That Time When That Chick Stole $150,000 From My Uncle

Debbie never had a chance, even if she was only a gold digger.

Debbie wasn't particularly well-liked by my family (they thought she was trash), but she was a nice enough girl. How she ever agreed to marry my uncle, I don't know. It had to be for the money. This isn't so much a reflection on her as on him and our family.

Garrison Keillor talks about "bachelor farmers," and that describes my uncle perfectly. Not very clean, not really socially acceptable; basically the kind of guy that isn't any women's first choice for a husband.

Unfortunately, Debbie married Roger at a time when everyone suspected there was something terribly wrong with my grandfather, my grandmother was losing her grip on sobriety and our family was spiraling out of control in a way in which demise seemed imminent. My grandma was also unbelievably controlling of Roger, which would be tough on any new wife.

And then the poor girl was forced to live not in the big farmhouse in the grove, but in a trailer next to the cow barn. I remember going in there to help my grandma clean it up (BACHELOR FARMER) and thinking i was kinda cool but mostly kinda gross. It was a lot like Bud and Sissy's trailer in Urban Cowboy.

It was up on a high hill, and downwind from the barn. And that barn wasn't empty. I can just imagine what that poor gold digger was thinking, stuck in a convection oven that smelled like manure.

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