How To Guarantee I Will Never Date You: Little Thing Called Love

I am brand-new to dating. I say "brand-new" because I was married for a long time and for years, I read the online laments of single people in this new era of dating and thanked my lucky stars I didn't have to be out there looking for a lover.

Alas, the Universe had other plans for me! Last fall, I had to kick out my husband because of a wicked drug addiction and dangerous mental illness; I've been officially divorced for about a month. I haven't even "put myself out there" (I'm not ready to date yet), but I'm getting plenty of daily offers that bother more than excite me.

In this series, I'll be sharing my apprehensions with returning to the dating pool. In this second installment, let's discuss what not to do in regard to romance and sex.

Sex is the Most and Least Important Thing in a Relationship

I lost my virginity at a pretty young age, not because I was molested but because the opportunity presented itself and I was eager to participate. It's always been an important part of my life and relationships, and although the quality was sometimes poor, even bad sex can lead to great friendships.

I've never had sex with someone I didn't know or like. Personality is far more important to me than looks; some of the worst experiences I had were with people who were exceptionally attractive yet woefully untalented in the bedroom. When I was younger, I was willing to give myself in that way, but as I grow older, I find that I am not at all willing to overlook character flaws and behaviors from men that are mostly my age.

You weren't allowed to act this way in your prime (and thankfully, a lot of the technology didn't exist), so why would you act this way now?

Please stop with this nonsense as soon as possible:

• You're not doing me a favor by hitting on me. If I don't know you and you send me a flirty message online, know that there are at least a dozen other messages in my inbox from a dozen other complete strangers that said exactly the same thing. Also, if I seem less than impressed or ignore you, don't get an attitude about it, like talking to me is some sort of heroic gesture. I have a vagina. If I turn you down, there will be 20 more guys there to pick up the slack. So again, you better have a blindingly fantastic personality - that has nothing to do with sex - or you're just going to blend in with the rest of the creeps on the internet.

• Ask me to sleep with you or ask me to send sexy photos of myself within the first day of meeting you. If the internet has taught me anything, it's that men want pictures of women - ANY women - and that most men will sleep with any woman, totally ignoring that's she's fat, toothless, pregnant, disabled, fore-shortened, or her face picked apart during meth hallucinations. Unless you're willing to pay several months of my mortgage for just one time, don't count on that happening within an hour of me accepting your friend request on Facebook.

• You have cutesy names for sex. The word "playtime" should not be uttered in regard to, before, during, or after sex. This is not playtime. "Playtime" has something to do with children, and thinking about children and sex together creeps me the hell out. So talk dirty. Curse. I would, a million times over, prefer that a man call me "bitch" and treat me like a whore than whisper "baby" while plying me with stuffed animals and candy to get me to sleep with him. No, really.

• I've had more sexual partners than Princess Di and less than Madonna. I was married twice and have three kids so obviously, I've had sex. Guys seem comfortable knowing about those two partners, but don't really want to know about any other men. They certainly don't want an exact number, especially if it goes over 10. My number is over 10. I'm not bragging, nor am I ashamed. I am, however,a stay-at-home mom in middle age, so most of those encounters happened a very, very long time ago. Just enjoy my abilities without knowing how I acquired them.

• I felt the spark, too. There was a connection. We're both interesting people who have trouble finding people with whom we actually enjoy talking. But if you call me a couple hours after the date, gushing - completely overtaken with emotion - about how I'm your "Soul Mate?" Please back off, you're creeping me out. I have been in a couple of really bad relationships, so this "instant forever companion" thing you're suggesting makes me want to go get a restraining order, not a marriage license.

• I prefer physical imperfections. Even at my physical best, I didn't like men who worked out until their muscles felt like giant rubber chew toys. Six-pack abs? No thanks! Manscaped? Ew! Dad bod?  Hell yeah!  I do have types I like more than others, but generally, if you have a non-psycho amount of confidence and a decent personality, I'll at least give you a date. The only thing I ask is that you don't smell like you've been bathing in foot sweat, exclusively eating raw garlic and your clothes should fit the body you have now, not the body you had 3 kids ago. (And yes, women are not the only ones guilty of "letting themselves go" after kids.)

• I'm trying not to laugh at/be creeped out by/post online for all to ridicule the picture of your penis. I've had my fair share of partners. It was ability, not size or shape, that made many of them good in bed. Also, I sometimes watch porn. So unless you have something that would impress Ron Jeremy himself, please don't embarrass yourself by sending me unsolicited photos of your privates. It makes you look insecure and desperate.

• Getting me drunk to "loosen me up." If you think you need to get me drunk to sleep with you, every drink you buy makes me more and more certain of how bad you are in bed. Also, you must not think your personality is enough to win me over, so we're pretty much done 20 minutes into the date. Sad, because a night that could have led to at least mediocre sex is now taking a creepy turn that makes me wonder if you're a serial rapist.

• You'll have plenty of time to buy me gifts when we're dating. Flowers and candy are great, but if you bring a pile of gifts to our first date, I'll get the impression you're trying to manipulate me. Calm down, be yourself and let's have a good talk. You can buy me a fancy new car in a couple years. (Kidding, KIDDING!!)