Sunday, May 24, 2015

Land of Eternal Consequences: The Invisible Bars of Life After Prison

Crime and Punishment

Everyone views the concept of punishment differently. There are people who believe that a heavy hand coupled with a cold heart is the best way to end crime in our country; others believe that a few ounces of prevention, caring and rehabilitation are the way to create a better society in which punishment becomes unnecessary. Unfortunately, we now live in a society that greatly values punishment while ignoring the consequences of meting out those unfair, impractical and sometimes inhumane punishments, even after people have done their time. Many of these punishments seem designed to force people back into prison; indeed, many people, weary from drug addiction, bad choices, bad histories, mental illness and the psychological and emotional side-effects of incarceration itself, are unable to cope with the enormous pressures they face “on the outside.” 
Before they went to prison, most of these people were not living ideal lives. Yes, there were bad choices being made. In fact, the vast majority of people in America’s prisons today are there as a result of bad choices. Stealing cars is a bad choice. Starting fights and breaking into people’s houses are bad choices. One may come from a bad background with little hope to forge a better life, but most of the time, one is given choices and it is up to them to decide what path they will take.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Wired to kill.
Serial killers, serial rapists, and pedophiles that will never be rehabilitated - those that are "wired" differently - must be considered separately. Although, judging from the punishments alone (without inclusion of the death penalty), one would think that all offenders are serial killers and serial rapists and pedophiles. The mentally ill or mentally disabled that wind up in prison are usually incapable of making any rational choices, and not subject to “normal” punishment. The death penalty cannot be taken out of the realm of possibility for some; mental hospitals, halfway houses or group homes should be opened or reopened to deal with the crushing number of people in our prison system whose biggest crime is having an uncontrollable mental illness that makes them act inappropriately and/or harm others. But most people who end up in prison are not the Unabomber or Son of Sam or Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer. Most people are relatively normal. And what is most troubling about our post-incarceration punishment is that we are turning these “normal” people into the careless, violent, hopeless, selfish individuals we are most afraid of by sabotaging their reentry into society and dashing their hopes to regain a normal life, and, in many cases, giving them no option but to return to prison.

Bad seed or troubled kid crying for help?

Rustin has been in trouble his whole life. His cousin remembers coming to school every day and seeing him in the principal’s office. Yup, she thought, He did something to get in trouble again. With his background, it wasn’t surprising. He never met his dad. They were unbelievably poor. He cried for help for years, and no one listened. At first, it was small stuff like him bullying other kids and daily trips to the principal’s office (he told me he didn't have any friends in elementary school because he "always beat everybody up"), but Rustin’s demons pushed him in all the wrong directions. However, it wasn’t until 1994, when he was 15, that all that trouble started to stick. He wasn’t a kid anymore, and they needed to teach him a lesson or he was going to wind up in real trouble. Mostly, Rustin did a lot of community service as punishment. He paid a lot of fines. Shoplifting. Fighting. Menacing. Theft. He kept pushing the boundaries, and they kept letting him cross the line.
But he just wasn’t getting it.
In addition to the fighting, harassing, menacing, etc., Rustin was busy racking up traffic violations. A lot of traffic violations. So the judge required him to submit an SR22 form:
"To get your driver's license back after having certain suspensions or revocations, or to prevent your license from being suspended, you may be required to file an SR-22. This is a rider to an insurance policy in which the insurance company guarantees you will keep insurance in effect for a certain period of time … The form itself is not an insurance policy. It is a guarantee by the insurance company that you will keep insurance in effect for a certain period of time. If you don't keep the SR22 current, the insurance company will notify the Motor Vehicle Division that the SR22 is no longer in effect, but is still required. Your driver's license will be suspended for that reason alone … If you decide to change insurance companies, you must get a new SR22 filed before the old one goes out of effect." (SR22)
Rustin was initially required to file this form in 1998, a privilege he very much earned. Reckless driving, driving without insurance, driving without registration, driving without a license, and speeding are just some of the charges he incurred as a young adult. This isn’t unusual; it's common knowledge that young drivers, especially young male drivers, can be reckless and take more risks than older male drivers in their mid-30s.
The SR22, theoretically, is a reasonable punishment to make someone a more responsible driver. Unfortunately, what was meant to make a 20 year old more responsible has turned into a minor nightmare.
Rustin's 2015 mug shot.
Colorado Springs Police Department
Rustin is now 37 years old. But he is still required to maintain an active insurance policy for a period of three years. In the years since the judge first ordered him to file it, he has not been able to fulfill the requirement. The SR22 requires that he hold insurance whether or not he drives a car. Even if it was physically impossible for him to use a motor vehicle (e.g., incarceration or injury), and therefore did not need insurance, the clock reset every time he let his insurance policy lapse. It can be reset an unlimited number of times; every time one fails to hold an insurance policy, even if you let it lapse for one day, the clock can be reset. Again, this is regardless of whether or not you are operating or are even able to operate a motor vehicle. Again, Rustin was initially required to file this form in 1998. But because of his incarcerations and subsequent paroles - at which time he was not able or allowed to drive or even own a car - the clock was reset. What this means for Rustin is that the requirement of submitting this form only goes away in 2015, and that is only if he does not allow his insurance to expire for any reason!
Again, this means he will have been punished for those traffic offenses for a whopping 17 years! There are murderers that receive less prison time.
But so troubled a youth had more to offer, and opportunity presented itself in female form.

Most crimes don't deserve life sentences

His next conviction stemmed from what most would consider a poor choice, not an abnormality or “evil.” When he was 19, Rustin had consensual sex with a 14-year-old girl. It is important to note that if they had started their sexual relationship just two weeks earlier, when Rustin was 18, he would not have been prosecuted at all. The girl’s parents brought charges against Rustin; at first, they tried to have him charged with forceful sexual conduct, for which there was no factual basis. Additionally, it was known to her parents that she and Rustin were dating; they approved of that relationship as long as there was no sexual conduct. Rustin’s grandmother said that the girl testified, under oath, that she and Rustin had consensual sex several times. This may have been poor impulse control on Rustin’s part, but it certainly would not be considered “pedophilia” or “abnormal.” Rustin was, after all, still a teenager himself and this girl was well into adolescence.
This case was greatly exacerbated by the understandable anger of the girl’s parents. She was quite young at the time and it would be understandably difficult to accept that one's young daughter was already sexually active. But does that give one the right to cry RAPE! (especially when the girl herself said she and Rustin had consensual sex several times and he had never forced this sex)? During the trial, it came to light that Rustin was not her only sexual partner and she did not lose her virginity to him, which was embarrassing for both her and her parents. This information must have come as quite a shock to the girl’s parents: A church pastor and his wife. However, their anger did not justify their actions. This initial accusation paved the road that he is now stuck on, and will travel the rest of his life unless the law is changed.
Because it was such a serious charge, there were discussions about a plea deal early on. Factually, Rustin had sex with her; he was considered an adult and she was considered a child, in the eyes of the law. Rustin was afraid to go to prison, so was looking for as little jail time as possible. Unfortunately, the prosecutor was more than willing to make a deal.
It begs the question: Is it moral/ethical to force people to accept a plea deal out of fear of jail/prison that will burden them with a label that will punish them for the rest of their lives? To be fair to the prosecutor, the current sex offender registration law, the Lifetime Sex Offender Supervision program (Colorado Revised Statue 16-22-110 (1998)) did not exist when Rustin was tried in 1997. Had Rustin known the future punishment for his crime, he probably would not have accepted the plea deal for the more serious charge.
Also, is it fair to offer a deal to someone if it is known they did not commit such a crime? Rustin did not sexually assault a child (a person that has not reached adolescence), although that is what his record states. Is it fair to follow the letter of the law, and not the spirit? In sex offense cases, as in many drug offense cases, the court is required to follow the letter of the law, regardless of its practicality or fairness. Again, the prosecutor may have known about the serious consequences he would impose on Rustin if he accepted the deal, but it is unlikely. Had the judge employed the spirit of the law and considered the very small span of time – two weeks – in which Rustin’s actions were either not a crime (when he was 18) or were a serious crime (when he was 19), and had the judge been able to be lenient where leniency was reasonable, he could have made a more practical and fair decision regarding Rustin’s punishment.
So now, Rustin must go to the Colorado Springs Police Department and register as a Sex Offender every three months, for the rest of his life. He must note this on formal job applications. He is not allowed to work at schools, even as a janitor during that time when children are not in the school. Not even in schools or institutions at which the students are all over the age of 18. All of this is prohibited, even though he was determined to be normal and highly unlikely to sexually re-offend.
Before Rustin went to prison a second time, on July 20, 2007, L. Dennis Kleinsasser, Ph.D., performed a psychosexual evaluation as part of a larger “Adult Pre-Sentence Investigation Report.” This report was initiated before his second trial, in 2007 - for buying and selling stolen auto parts - by Rustin’s attorney, Lari Trogani. Dr. Kleinsasser conducted several tests to determine whether he was “at risk of sexually reoffending.” (2 Kleinsasser) This test was “not a full psychological assessment, but is a specially designed sex offense specific [sic] assessment to determine treatment amenability [and] risk for sexual re-offense.” (1 Kleinsasser) This evaluation was performed three years after his first incarceration, where he served his time for the sex offense concurrently with the 4th degree felony theft charge.
In his report, Kleinsasser asks the reader to “[k]eep in mind that normal heterosexual adult males show objective sexual interest in both adolescent and adult females.” (11) Kleinsasser also quotes the first doctor that examined Rustin in 1998, Dr. Pam Hiner: “This Abel screen was consistent with the current Abel screen in finding him attracted to adult and adolescent females …” (11) In other words, although this behavior is considered illegal, it is not considered, psychologically, to be abnormal. Additionally, Kleinsasser determined that Rustin was low-risk and low danger. Kleinsasser found that Rustin did not have inappropriate attractions to nor fantasies about very young girls or boys and, when tested for his sexual preferences preferred adult females and was “disgusted with all other presentations,” (10) which we can assume includes, but is not limited to, pedophilia, homosexuality and sexual violence.
With so many dangerous sex offenders out on the streets, why does the criminal justice system spend so much time on offenders like Rustin? It can be argued that punishing people who have committed similar or lesser offenses, such as public urination, devalues the entire Sex Offender Registry system. If you know one person who is not deserving of the sex offender title, then who is to say all people shamed on the web sites are equally undeserving of such humiliation?
Rustin’s name, address, and identifying markings are listed on several sex offender sites. These sites use mug shots that make everybody look like a dangerous criminal. And regardless of the disclaimers, people use these sites to exact revenge on people on which they have very little information and to which they have no personal ties.
Rustin used to live with his mom; then her elderly neighbor died. The neighbor's son took possession of the house, and he happened to be the local Fire Chief. The new local Fire Chief that didn’t previously know or care that a sex offender was living across the street from his parents’ house, but now that he was moving in with his family and young children, it was suddenly a big deal. Not bothering to gather any information about Rustin’s case, he went and raised hell to the Police Chief, who promptly went to Rustin's mother's house (she had to leave work to meet them there), along with two detectives. Then they called his mother’s landlady (they got her phone number from court documents) and informed her that there was a sex offender living in her house. The landlady informed Rustin’s mother that if he did not move out that day, she would evict everyone.
This punishment seems ridiculously harsh. He committed this crime a long time ago and had not sexually reoffended since. Realistically, the landlady could have specified that she did not want a convicted felon living in her home; but she had no issue, per se, with him being a convicted felon. Her issue was specifically with him being a sex offender. The police that came to the house had previously been sympathetic to Rustin’s cause, even recommending that he appeal his status, before the Fire Chief took possession of the house. Of course they knew the details of the case and knew he was non-violent and normal. And yet, the detective he had spoken with personally each time he registered at the police station betrayed him the most. She threatened him and viciously insulted his grandmother, who was there only to deliver Rustin to the house because his car broke down. This detective initiated the call to the landlord, infringing on his basic human right of a place to live.
Source: Andy Cross, The Denver Post file

Forcing sex offenders to be homeless is bad for communities

In the span of an hour, Rustin was homeless, with no other immediate housing options. His grandmother could not take him into her home because she had renters with small children in the apartment attached to her home. The Justice Center of The Council of State Governments (Justice Center) states that:
"Securing housing is one of the most immediate challenges individuals leaving prison face upon their release. Research has shown that the types of living arrangements and neighborhoods to which exiting prisoners return are often related to the likelihood that they will recidivate and return to prison. While many of the formerly incarcerated stay with family members – at least early on, others are confronted by limited housing options. This is especially true for those with mental health or substance abuse problems. Obtaining housing is complicated by a host of factors, including the scarcity of affordable and available housing, legal barriers and regulations, landlords’ prejudices against formerly incarcerated individuals, and strict eligibility requirements for federally subsidized housing." (Housing)
The Justice Center also emphasizes how important it is for people who have been incarcerated to have a smooth transition back into “normal” life, to prevent them from returning to prison:
"The challenges associated with reentry after incarceration are intensified for individuals who have been convicted of sex offenses. Research reveals that upon return to the community, sex offenders are more likely to be rearrested for a non-sex crime than a new sex crime, and that supervision violation rates are high. The field struggles with developing effective comprehensive reentry strategies that respond to the myriad general and specialized needs of sex offenders." (D’Amora)
They stress three benefits, which they believe are most important for sex offenders, because of the enormous stigma attached to that label:
  • Public Safety: Reducing recidivism results in fewer victims of crime and decreases reincarceration, and improves public safety;
  • Stronger Communities and Families: Reentry can promote family reunification, pro-social relationships, improved economic outcomes, and healthier communities;
  • Smarter Use of Taxpayer Dollars: Reincarceration is costly and diverts public resources away from other public priorities, such as education and social supports. (6 Overview)
The Justice Center also states that “Sex Offenders are Not All The Same,” (22 Overview) and that “Enhanced Assessment Strategies [need to acknowledge] that ‘one size fits all’ is not effective [and needs to] shift toward assessment-driven strategies.” (35 Overview) For Rustin, that would mean that the court could determine whether supervision should continue based on his psychosexual evaluations and his likelihood to reoffend, rather than being mandatorily sentenced. Although it should be noted that the authors point out in the Overview that Sex Offenders have a higher overall rate of recidivism (36%) for crime in general. (27 Overview) It could be theorized that because of mandatory sentencing, as with drug offenses, convicted sex offenders tend to become hopeless and develop a sense of pervasive fatalism that causes them to take extraordinary risks out of a sense of feeling that they will eventually be punished for something regardless. Rustin, unfortunately, fell into that category.
Rustin states that one of the most frustrating aspects of his parole was mandatory sex offender treatment. As noted, the examining psychologist determined Rustin was unlikely to sexually reoffend and that his sexual preferences were not abnormal. However, because of the sex offense and because he was on parole, Rustin was forced to attend classes in which many dangerous, violent and mentally ill sexual predators or those with serious sexual abnormalities were present. He said it made him physically sick to hear people flippantly speak of the terrible crimes they committed, sometimes against their own children or grandchildren. Rustin was nearly kicked out of a class when he confronted another “student,” telling him that if he ever did those things to his children, he would kill him. Why does the state feel the need to group all sex offenders together, regardless of their offense? It seems unusually punitive, or perhaps lazy, to put people who committed minor sex offenses such as public urination with those who, it could be argued, should be locked up forever. Rustin learned in prison treatment that his actions were wrong, so he was not in a state of denial. Could one reasonably say that someone who streaks across a football field is in the same league or deserves the same punishment as, say, Albert Fish?
The Justice Center notes that 43% of sex offenders will reoffend, but that only 5.3% were rearrested for a sex offense. “Over one third (38%) were returned to prison within three years … [and] 71% [of those] were returned for technical violations.” (emphasis added) (55 Overview) They strive to create programs and policy that will keep non-violent sex offenders out of prison and become productive members of society. The Justice Center notes several “Key Elements of a Sex Offender Reentry Strategy,” the following of which would have greatly assisted Rustin with his reentry:
"1. Collaborate to achieve an “in to out” approach, which would include Promote seamless continuity of care and Establish community supports [which includes:]
  • [Managing] sex offenders in prison with an eye toward release;
  • Engage offenders to identify, needs for pre- and post-release success
  • Develop a comprehensive reentry roadmap and case management plan
  • Provide programs and services [for:] Cognitive skills, Substance abuse, Vocational [skills], Educational [skills], Mental health, [and should be] Sex offense-specific
3. Recognize the value of discretionary release decision - making [(not a “one-size-fits-all approach)]
5. Adopt a success-oriented approach to post-release supervision" (39 Overview)
Rustin spent time at the Correctional Institute in Sterling, Colorado.

Does the system set them up to fail?

Rustin may have been convicted of a sex offense, but his true gift was stealing cars. Both of his incarcerations were for theft. Initially, in 2000, Rustin was charged with 3rd Degree Theft (F3) ($15,000 or more), which should have earned him far more prison time. When they arrested him, they charged him with stealing over 3,000 cars. This number was exaggerated, but not by much. Rustin admits he stole far more than $15,000 worth of cars and was very lucky to get such a light sentence. He admits that he may have ruined some people’s lives by stealing their cars. (“What if they got fired because they couldn’t get to work because I stole their car?”) In the first theft case, Rustin was allowed to plead to a lesser charge, that of Theft (F4) ($500-$15,000) and receive less prison time. Upon his release, he was, of course, subject to the same punishments all convicted felons must endure.
Most people who do prison time are required to pay restitution. When Rustin was released from prison in 2004, he was to repay the state $53,000. As of today, Rustin still owes the State of Colorado about $150,000, a sum he is sure he will never be able to repay. This restitution would be automatically deducted from his pay, if he could find a job. As many college graduates now know, paying your every day expenses and paying back an enormous debt can be overwhelming, discouraging, and for many people, nearly impossible. And college graduates can hold normal, high-paying jobs. Parolees and convicted felons are not that lucky.
Just getting a job is especially challenging for convicted felons. There is great prejudice against those that have been incarcerated. It can be argued that because of their bad choices, they do not deserve a second or third chance. Some would argue that some people should never get out of prison, even for non-violent offenses. But as a society, if we agree that people who non-violently offend should not have the same prison sentence as a serial killer, then we need to decide when punishment truly ends. Maybe the idea of parole is outdated. Or maybe people should serve longer sentences and be done with it. Maybe the halfway house model should be used more frequently, so that institutionalization occurs less frequently. But if we are going to let people out of prison, we cannot set the stage for them to reoffend simply so that we can turn around and send them back.
Taking into account that many people who commit heinous crimes such as mass murder are never suspected of being capable of such atrocities – and are rarely arrested for more than a DUI or drug offense prior to the massacres they commit - felons should be exempted from reporting their incarceration to some employers. Of course, some jobs would require that people have a clean background (e.g., banks or schools), but jobs such as construction, machining or garbage men should not require such rigorous standards. Although, in today’s job market, it could be argued that because of high demand and few jobs, employers need to have a way to choose the best workers amongst the dozens, if not thousands, of applicants. But if we as a society are serious about their rehabilitation, we need to clean some slates and truly give them a second chance, not just pretend to give them a second chance by letting them out and then burdening them with numerous disadvantages.

Jobs: Even tougher to get with a felony record

There are added stresses to maintaining employment for those who have been incarcerated. Most parolees are required to have full-time employment, but they may not be able to own a car, cell phone OR maintain a bank account. This unfairly marginalizes parolees. Oftentimes, parolees are required to attend court-ordered treatment during the work day, for which they must pay about $40 per class. Weekly attendance is generally required, and even if the parolee was not convicted of any drug offense, they must attend drug and alcohol counseling. So they are working to pay for treatment they may not need – that they greatly resent - that interferes with their work schedule, which gives them yet another disadvantage as an employee.
There are also those who are released from prison who are physically or mentally disabled and unable to work. Many men suffer severe injuries in prison such as traumatic brain injuries, broken bones that are not set, and of course the psychological trauma of being incarcerated. Rustin was ambushed in his cell by five men; they beat him unconscious and he never reported or sought medical assistance for the attack. They are released from prison and are virtually unemployable because of their physical or mental disabilities (and because of their prison record), but have no medical files documenting their injuries nor have access to the resources necessary to put together a file to successfully apply for Supplemental Security Insurance (SSI). They don’t get jobs that offer health insurance (few American workers in general are employed in jobs that give them full insurance benefits), so they are not able to have a doctor assist them in proving their disabilities. So they live in a limbo of pain, confusion and unemployment that sets them up for a return to prison.
People on parole are also strictly prohibited from associating with other people in the same circumstance. This does not mean that you cannot work or live in a group home with someone else with a criminal conviction, which is considered being in contact with other convicted criminals. But it does mean one is not allowed to befriend or “hang out” with those people with whom they would most likely share the common, traumatic experience of having been incarcerated. Research has shown that friendships are formed because of similarities, (356 McCornack) and it goes to reason that parolees would naturally relate to other parolees because of their shared traumatic experience of being in prison, especially early in the parole period. Peeples notes that one may attend court-approved functions together, but they are not allowed to hang out together after the function. Peeples uses the example of going for coffee after treatment or classes; this is not allowed for parolees under current law.
Certainly, further isolating those who are already socially and psychologically vulnerable from those who could most understand them surely must hinder their recovery and re-entry into general society. Further, is it truly necessary to separate those people not convicted of the same offense, or from those not currently under state supervision? The logic behind this must have been that they didn’t want them planning to commit further offenses, but it can be argued that the isolation they experience would, in itself, predispose them to commit further crime without anyone’s assistance.

Does reclassifying necessities as "luxury items" further sabotage prisoners' transition back into society?

Several other punishments meted out by the state benefit neither the parolee nor the state. For example, there are so-called “privileges” that are prohibited to parolees. Some of these “privileges” include: possessing a cell phone, computer or pager; owning or driving a car; entering into a contract such as a lease or buying a car; getting a fishing license; or owning/using a credit card, debit card or even a bank account. (88 Peeples) Can you imagine, living without the “privilege” of a cell phone, computer or car? Prohibiting these items makes it challenging for the parolee to live in our modern, tech-saturated society. It could be argued that none of these are a privilege, but rather, necessities.
It seems excessively punitive to prohibit a parolee from having a bank account, which most employers require you to have for the direct deposit of a paycheck. It also goes to reason that those with limited access to housing or transportation should not carry large amounts of cash on their person.
One could be made under- or unemployable if they have no access to a motor vehicle. In Colorado Springs, there is no bus service on Sundays or late at night. It is likely that a parolee would get a job that would require them to work “off hours,” and not having transportation options on Sundays or at night would severely limit your ability to work.
Because they can’t use a vehicle means they do a great deal of walking or biking, and a great deal of time using public transportation. Prohibiting them from using a cell phone or pager and requiring them to use a home phone (land line) is unfair to the parolee and impractical and inconvenient for the parole officer. Fitting each parolee with a tracking device not only infringes on their human rights, but it would be impossible to track each and every parolee 24 hours per day, seven days per week. That would greatly increase the number of corrections staff, which would require more tax dollars in an already overburdened corrections system.
Old-school flip phones could be given to those recently released from prison, allowing their parole officers and police to find them more quickly and easily, which in turn would save the taxpayers money.
Additionally, parolees must check in, via telephone, every day, for the entirety of their parole (which can be several years) to find out if they are required to take a drug or alcohol test. They must call in by a certain time every day. Rustin was required to call every day for two years. If they don’t have access to a motor vehicle, the parolee may need to conduct more business on the phone than would someone with the ability to drive all over town to complete tasks such as apply for medical benefits or a job. Not having access to a cell phone could make this requirement impractical and unfair. Punishment cannot be made so that the parolee is set up to fail; it is grossly unfair, impractical, difficult to sustain and the cost of sending parolees with limited cell phone access back to prison simply because they do not have stable access to a phone would prove a huge burden to taxpayers as well.
A better solution is to give all parolees, and all those recently released from prison, a simple, inexpensive cell phone, plus free minutes, on which people can contact them as needed and they can conduct necessary business and contact the people in their support network. Also, it will increase their confidence by giving them added independence and a feeling of inclusion with the larger society, of which a major majority owns and frequently operates cell phones.
Personal computers were long ago considered a luxury item; now it’s nearly impossible to accomplish every day business without one. Most businesses require prospective employees to apply online. Most banking is done online. Businesses often direct customers to their websites, encouraging people to use the site rather than call to speak with an employee. Some companies require their bills be paid exclusively online. And if one has limited access to a car, being able to look up the hours of operation of a business online certainly helps people to plan their travel schedule.
Surprisingly, however, upon release, parolees are immediately eligible to serve on juries, and indeed may be jailed if they fail to respond to the jury summons. They are not allowed to serve on a grand jury, but someone could, theoretically, be required to go straight to the courthouse from prison. Rustin received a jury summons that required him to appear about two weeks after he got out of prison the second time, in 2011. He followed all instructions, but when called to the stand during jury selection he informed those in attendance that he would not convict any person of any crime because the whole system was corrupt.
So we don’t allow them to own a cell phone but they can help to decide the fate of one of their peers? Is it good social policy to summon those recently released from prison to jury duty? Wouldn’t they have a skewed opinion of the legal system? Could they competently decide the fate of their peers? It can be argued that there should be a break in the time between getting out of prison and serving on a jury. The parolee could be feeling a great deal of depression or may be overwhelmed by their new life on the outside; it could be argued further that those suffering from any mental illness should be evaluated before being able to serve on a jury. Convicted felons are also allowed to vote (but not parolees). Again, we give them this tremendous privilege of voting, but we don’t allow them access to a computer so they can send an e-mail to their lady friend?

We must all work together to make the world a better place for everyone, even if it takes a lot of forgiveness and even more work

The United States … we are seeing unprecedented change that, at this moment, the moment you read this, will affect untold generations of humanity. People will talk about this era and be astounded that we survived it. The speed at which information bounces and rebounds from every corner of the globe is making us rethink – sometimes from moment to moment - much of our social structure and our values; sometimes this self-reflection is painful. But we have stagnated far too long with educational models that don’t educate our children, drug programs that don’t rehabilitate our addicts, healthcare systems that bankrupt the sick, a military that injures and kills its best and bravest, a penal system designed to keep people in jail forever and a government that doesn’t listen.
In 2008, our economy nearly collapsed and people have been struggling ever since; but these sacrifices are making us reexamine those things that were rotting our country from the inside out: Greed, Excess, Callousness, Shallowness. Are we a country that chooses to incarcerate the most vulnerable and downtrodden of our society, while letting those that nearly destroyed the lives of millions of people go free? Are we a country that should be proud of having more prisoners than any other country on the whole planet? What is the legacy we are leaving for our children, especially those children that have one or both parents incarcerated, parents who went to prison before they were born and will miss graduations, weddings, births and even possibly deaths? It is our responsibility to make this a better country not only for ourselves, but for those future generations that we will never know. Dostoyevsky said, “You can judge a society by how well it treats its prisoners.” What does that say about us? It says we put the interests of for-profit prisons above human life, we value the law more than humanity, that we do not value families, we would rather kill than rehabilitate, that the lives of those representing the state (police) have more value than that of an ordinary citizen, and that we often put ourselves in God’s place when handing out punishment. We need to crash back down to Earth and start treating all people with understanding and humanity, and adopt a policy of providing the best possible life everyone, rather than living in a world of dysfunction that thrives off the cycle of pain and suffering.

Bibliography

D'Amora, David, M.S., LPC, CFC, and Kurt Bumby, Ph.D. "An Overview of Sex Offender Reentry: Building a Foundation for Professionals." CSG Justice Center. N.p., 23 Apr. 2014. Web. 20 July 2014.
2011, June. An Overview of Sex Offender Reentry: (n.d.): n. Web. 20 July 2014
Kleinsasser, L. Dennis, Ph.D. Psychosexual Evaluation of Rustin Sparks. Rep. Colorado Springs, CO: n.p., 2007. Print.
"Housing." CSG Justice Center. Justice Center / The Council of State Governments, 23 Apr. 2014. Web. 20 July 2014.
McCornack, Steven. Reflect & Relate: An Introduction to Interpersonal Communication. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin's, 20013. Print.
Peeples, Carol, and Christie Donner. Getting On After Getting Out: A Re-Entry Guide for Colorado. Denver, CO: Colorado Criminal Justice Reform Coalition, 2007. Print.
"SR22 and Insurance Information." Colorado Department of Revenue. State of Colorado, n.d. Web. 19 July 2014.

Criminal Stalking at the Piggly Wiggly

The stained-glass window my family funded.
My family had money. Not Rockefeller or Carnegie money, but … money. My ancestors built churches and schools and didn't name them after the family. We have a long history of charitable works and looking out for our communities and those less fortunate.
Let's just say that my ancestors would be disappointed in some of you and your disgust for the poor. My great-great grandfather paid for a Methodist church to be built in his small town. It certainly was no big-city cathedral, but it was a decent size that could accommodate several times the population of the entire town and all surrounding communities. And then it burned down, not long after it was built. I'm sure this devastated my grandfather, but his faith in God was strong and he gladly donated another generous amount of money to the construction of the new Methodist church (brick, obviously) and paid for its largest stained glass window. 
He never expected accolades for this generosity. He didn't expect people to thank him every time they saw him in town. 
My grandmother, who married into his family, was very busy with the church. She always instructed me to be kind and generous, especially to those who are in need. You could dismiss this, saying that because my family was wealthy, it was easy for them to be so giving to the community. But it wasn't always easy. During the Depression, they had to mortgage their farm several times. Those mortgages had barely been paid off when, in the 1980s, my grandfather died after a long, expensive fight with Alzheimer's. They had to liquidate everything that branch of the family had built. Still my grandmother's kindness lived on.
My ancestors would be horrified to see the way many of you are behaving towards the poor; they would be horrified that many of you don't even possess basic manners.
I marvel at the atrocious behavior you "Food Stamp Vigilantes" brag about on the internet, behavior that would be roundly condemned by even the most lenient etiquette advice guru:
1) You police what people put in their carts.
You're in your local supermarket. There's a good chance you don't know anybody. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a tattooed or pierced or black or Hispanic or dirty or trashy or obese person enter the frozen snacks aisle. Or maybe it's the haggard-looking mother with 6 kids in Produce, and they won't keep their hands off the apples. But there's just something about this person that makes you certain that they are receiving food assistance. Which means you need to police their shopping.
Forgetting that what you're doing is criminal stalking, the owners of the store made a decision to allow people to pay for their food with food stamps. Which takes it into "None-Of-Your-Damn-Business" territory. I understand that you have been goaded into believing that there are people out there taking advantage of you and your tax dollars, but that doesn't give you any right to criminally harass another shopper based on their looks.
And just because someone has tattoos or piercings, just because someone didn't feel like changing out of their pajama pants before venturing out in public (many military wives are guilty of that), and especially just because people have a whole herd of kids tagging along after them doesn't mean they're on food stamps. The most ironic part of this? While you're following the family with ten kids whose parents look like they work as carnies in a traveling circus (the parents who have never been on public assistance), the sweet old lady standing next to you is wondering how to make her food stamps go a little further this month because she'd like to have a special dinner for her granddaughter's birthday.

You wonder why our youth are developing such a profound sense of entitlement? It's not because people are on food stamps. It's because people like you appoint themselves Grocery Sheriff because they pay "so much!" into the system. Well, you don't. No one does. If you make $50,000 per year, you pay about $36 PER YEAR for other people to eat.1Ten cents per day. Sorry, but I don't think that entitles you to sneak around after someone, pursing your lips in righteous indignation while making mental notes that you couldn't possibly afford the big bottle of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup (and why can people on food stamps buy chocolate syrup anyway?). All of this drama over THIRTY-SIX DOLLARS. That's three dollars per month.
And guess what? That "nice" military guy that you just stopped and thanked for his service? The soldier that couldn't possibly be on public assistance? There's a good chance that if he's an E5 or below, his family is on food stamps or WIC. These are the people I KNOW you thank for their service while not putting pressure on our government to pay them any better. Our military family had to scrimp and save just to make ends meet. I remember being embarrassed the first time I went to the commissary with my pile of WIC checks, until I saw that every second woman there had the same pile of checks and their carts were overflowing with all the same food I was buying.
2) You get close enough to see how people are purchasing their items. 
I can honestly say that the only time I notice how people are paying is when they use coins or checks, and that's only because it takes so much longer. And it takes longer because the majority of the time they are elderly and their hands don't work as well as they used to.
Why would I get so close to someone that I could see what kind of card they're using? Not only do I not want to stand that close to a stranger, but it's none of my business.
It reminds me of the cart full of soda I bought for a barbecue last summer. Didn't buy it on food stamps. At the time, we had never been on food stamps and had not been on WIC for a long time. But the older woman behind me couldn't help but announce her opinion that we should not be buying that much soda. She was visibly upset that we were buying an entire cart full of sugary drinks. It was the first time in my life that I ever thought, How is it any of your business? It wasn't like I had a Mountain Dew bong crammed down my toddler's throat in lane 5. It was just my husband and I, buying soda for a barbecue.
3) You follow people to the parking lot to see what kind of car they drive.
So not only did you grossly invade a fellow shopper's privacy by stalking them around the grocery store. You also spied on them when they paid for their groceries. Now you feel the need to follow these alleged crooks out to the parking lot. (And what are you, a Time Lord that controls the space/time continuum? How do you manage to get through checkout in time to see what car they're getting into?)
If they get into a brand-new Escalade, what are you going to do about it?
The most you can do is know that they drive a nice car. Even if they squeeze themselves, 5 kids and all their groceries into a brand-new Lamborghini, you have no way to turn them in. You don't know their names, you don't know where they live and you don't know their phone number (unless you stole their wallet in a moment of unbridled vigilantism).
So when you find out what kind of car they drive, then what?

What if they drive a 30-year-old car that looks like the only thing holding it together is the blessing of a Guardian Angel? Will it really make you feel better, knowing they drive this hunk of junk? Well, it shouldn't. You should not feel better that someone you assume is on food stamps drives a car that barely gets them to work every day.
You don't even know that they own that fancy Escalade. It could be their mom's or friend's or brother's car; their 20-year-old pile of junk could be in the shop, sitting on a back lot because the part they need is half a paycheck and the finance company couldn't care less whether it runs. And it was a choice between the car part or the electric bill.
I don't understand what your goal is. That all poor people will starve to death and stop sponging off you? There are dozens of corporations out their sponging far more money off you than that family with 3 kids. And the most you can do is go online and inseminate the world with your seeds of resentment and hope that a bunch of equally close-minded jerks will agree with you. The government certainly isn't going to transfer the burden of food stamps to companies. Because you have no power to make those corporations shoulder more of the burden, you whine to all your friends about "some guy on food stamps" that might have it better than you. That someone out there doesn't have to work as hard for what they got. Why does he get to have tattoos and not have to pay for groceries? Why does she get to leave the house in sweat pants and get soda for free? And all of this effort and drama over a measly $3 per month. 
This behavior is reprehensible, and yet you brag about doing it. Can you all stop acting like the immature sibling who thinks they got the smaller piece of cake? Life isn't always fair. And you all love saying that, unless, of course, it applies to you. Then life should ALWAYS be fair. And if it isn't, then you're going to find the easiest target - not the real villains, like all those companies and banks on corporate welfare, because that's scary - but the easiest target on which to focus all your wrath. The poor are easy targets, so hold on to that fear and never fight the real enemy. Just keep following weirdos around the grocery store, I'm sure you'll never get in any trouble doing that.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Gentrification: How DIY and Cheapskates Guaranteed the Poor Will Never be Able to Afford Those Old Houses

Society has a moral obligation to keep houses in habitable condition.

Houses Don't Have to Die

Gentrification fascinates me. I think it's perfectly understandable that a neighborhood becomes run down; residents age and their kids move away to start their own families. It becomes more and more difficult every year for the elderly to keep up with yard work and home repairs; streets and sidewalks crumble from snowplows and the weather. Trees destroy fences and storm drains deteriorate. Eventually, people pass away and their homes are sold to young couples, drawn to older neighborhoods because of their irresistible charm.
In many cities, however, young families have long been absent from these once-great neighborhoods. Unfortunately, they are not unwilling, but rather unable, to buy older homes in less desirable areas not because of the distance from shopping or the the racial makeup of the area, but rather because they are financially unable to overcome the challenges of getting a mortgage (which is difficult enough) in addition to securing a loan to repair decades, or even more than a century of neglect and abuse at the hands of incompetent DIYers and cheapskates.

This Old House That Only Bob Villa Could Afford to Fix

On the one hand, it warms my heart to see an old Victorian mansion saved from a painful death, a back hoe clumsily smashing it to bits. On the other hand, I hate seeing people taking advantage of the poor. Gentrification is an incredibly complex topic, but the experts often leave out an issue that can't be ignored: Foundations fall and lead paint chips and peels, rain seeps in under bad rain gutters and window frames don't insulate as well as they used to; necessary work on these old homes was often done by amateurs either not willing to admit that the repair work was beyond their ken or not wanting to spend the money to have a professional do it correctly. Eventually, this lack of competent repairs and construction (in addition to commonly used toxic building materials such as asbestos and lead-based products) doomed these neighborhoods - through a total lack of regulation over even the most lenient building codes - to become less and less desirable over many decades.
This wasn't purposefully done to bring the neighborhood down, it was done in the spirit of freedom from government regulation. Ignoring that building permits are some of the most common sensical regulations around, the intrepid DIYer of days past often snubbed his nose at the shackles of building permits and housing inspections.
And of course they did all that snubbing in utter disregard of the fact that this structure would most probably outlive even their grandchildren's grandchildren.
A house rots for no reason while a family fights over the money.

The Irresistible Charm of an Old House

I love old houses for the same reasons a lot of people do: The wood paneling and floors, leaded or stained glass windows, elegant staircases, high ceilings, regal fireplaces, tiled bathrooms and kitchens and if you're lucky, a claw foot tub. China cabinets built into the wall. Ornate radiators. "That place" where the coal chute used to be.
There's magic in an old house, even without a spirit or two roaming in the attic.
I've always loved old houses, but never had the opportunity to live in one until a few years ago. I was looking for a rental and came across an ad on Craigslist for an old house in of all places, Manitou Springs, the place to live in our area.
Manitou Springs used to be a resort town for people hoping to escape the hot, dry summer. It's up in the hills at the bottom of Pikes Peak. It has several natural therapeutic springs and a cheerful little creek, which made it an ideal gathering point for the Utes long before the first white settlers came to the area. The sun sets early in the evening, cooling off the whole town, which is a welcome relief from the hot, dry weather out on the plains. Most of the houses were built without plumbing or electricity and were only meant as summer residences. Families had to have money to build and vacation there.
The house was built in 1896, and built well. This was no plain log cabin. There were chilna cabinets and glass-front bookcases built into the walls. The doors were solid wood with carved moulding around each of them. The floors were lovely, warm wood. The original gas light fixtures - very fancy fixtures - were still intact. The core of the house was well built and strong.
And then there was everything else.
I felt sorry for this house. More and more so the longer I lived there, although I knew there were problems the first time I walked in. Everything was put together haphazardly, like kids adding on to a Lego creation with incompatible building blocks. The kitchen had been the kitchen, but now it also doubled as the entrance to the house. The front door, now technically facing the back yard, had originally faced a street that had been reduced to part of the neighbor's yard and an easement.
I could hear the hissing before I even started down the stairs to the basement.
The stairs were a fright, obviously added later on because someone got tired of going outside to get down to the root cellar. They were narrow and the ceiling was low enough that a grade-school kid could bump their head on the way down. The ceiling of the finished downstairs room was quite low, which could be expected because the original owners probably had to pay a great deal of money to cut the cellar out of the solid rock the house stands on. The hissing noise was coming from back by the old coal chute, which had been covered up decades before with glass blocks. The boiler had sprung a leak and was shooting water against one of the rock walls. It reminded me a lot of the basement in The Silence of The Lambs. We left that room, the property manager assuring us that they were replacing the boiler that day, and went into the downstairs bathroom.
I couldn't even stand up without tilting my head, the ceiling was that low! Although if I moved a little, I could stand up straight if I put my head between the supporting beams of the upstairs floor. There was a claw foot tub, but I couldn't even stand up in it to shower (there was a hose and nozzle). The enamel was badly worn.
But you know what? I didn't care! This was Manitou Springs, and I fell in love with this house instantly. It had a really cheery energy. I put down the deposit and first month's rent immediately and moved in a few days later. The landlord wanted to fix the windows before we moved in, but I said it was okay that they replace them while I was in the house. I watched them take out the original windows, so I got to see the inner structure of my old house, and it was incredible. No rot, no bugs. Built well and built to last.
And then there was the rest of the house, and the garage, and the porch.
For about a month, we thought about how to do a lease option on the house. From there on out, we just thanked the Universe that we weren't stuck owning the poor thing. There may have been additions done professionally, many years ago, but they were not in the majority. The owner paid to have the windows professionally installed, but that's one of those things that is incredibly hard to do yourself, and you won't save any money doing it yourself.
The owner, however, didn't have a professional come paint the house after the windows were installed. And generally, why would you need a professional to do that, except the guy was pretty drunk when he came and stared at my boobs the whole time while his wife painted around the new windows. This is probably the treatment the house saw time and again in its 120 years. Drunk people doing shoddy work because it saved the owner money.
The same drunk guy told me that a couple years before I lived there, he and his wife installed the kitchen ceiling after it collapsed in a rainstorm. And apparently this was not done immediately after the rainstorm, so who knows what kind of mess that was. There was no interpretation that would have said this ceiling was flat. There were cracks all over it. The kitchen, which was probably destroyed in the same tragedy as the ceiling collapse, had also, most likely, been installed by the same inebriated employee of the owner's contractor business.
This had nothing, however, on the poorly-installed bathroom. Black mold grew all around the shower and the ceiling because there was no ventilation whatsoever. I think toddlers could have better installed the tile on the floor and bathtub stall. The inner workings of the toilet were lifted from many other toilets, but not recently. Although the toilet itself was new.
Our electrical system had not been replaced since it had been installed in the 1930s. When we walked through the living room, the lights would flicker. A good jump would turn them on and off. There were no three-prong outlets in the old rooms, only some very old outlets, the kind of which I had never seen before. There were old light switches, the ones with a button for on and a button for off.
No way had there ever been any lead paint abatement. Although you'd practically need a chainsaw to remove the many layers of paint on the walls (and over the wood paneling - ouch!).
Houses are able to accommodate several generations if they are well-cared for.
The outer layer of the house, which I imagine had once been wooden slats, had been covered in chicken wire and then adobe. There was something seriously wrong with this setup because the adobe was falling off in huge slabs from a good portion of the house. The rain gutters had not been replaced in decades and the roof was a fright. And those stairs I talked about? when the house was built, they didn't exist. People walked or rode a horse up to the house. But at some point, someone wanted a garage and if you build a garage you need a way up to the house and ladders aren't very practical. I don't know what the old stairs looked like, but the 14 stairs we had to traverse every day were steep and downright deadly in the winter.
They were installed by a guy who genuinely believed he was a DIY master. The rainstorm that made 5 of the bottom stairs crack off would prove otherwise. Definitely no permit to do that work. The couple that owned the house after him managed to have a deck installed on the retaining wall without a permit; both the stairs and deck were installed in the last decade!
When I left the house, the deck was twisting. You could stand below it and see it twisting as the retaining wall moved and settled above the garage.
I'm not even going to discuss the condition of the garage. It was that bad.
The plumbing inside our house wasn't too bad, but the plan concocted so many years ago to draw sewage away from the house was amazing in its stupidity. Most old houses, and even many old neighborhoods, have old clay sewer pipes. At the time, I'm sure it was all they had, but it's a pretty dumb idea in hindsight. Of course they crack. And of course trees and shrubs weasel their way in there just fine, especially in the seams, completely clogging the lines. Which is, you know, super fun, because then the sewage backs up in the root-filled pipes and eventually, when you flush, it comes out in your bathroom instead of shooting off to the waste treatment plant. The clay pipes weren't the issue, though. It was that some genius decided to embed a good portion of the pipe in the home-made, permit-less 20-foot retaining wall that allows the house to perch high above the street below, I assume so they could build the garage.
So when the plumber came every month - and he had to come every month - to snake the sewer pipe because of all the broken sections and tree roots, he would lament that they should just pay him the money to bypass the pipe in the retaining wall, although I understood why they wouldn't. Even at $200+ per visit, that wasn't anywhere near the $50,000 he was estimating the sewer repair would cost.
And all this was on top of a hill that was eroding away by the foot each year. Except for the year I lived there, when it eroded a lot more due to heavy rains. Yes, eventually, there is a good chance that house is going to slide off the hill.
So in addition to the $240,000 asking price for an 1,800 sq. ft. house, it would require additional tens of thousands of dollars more in repairs and upgrades.

Counting my Lucky Stars

In 2012, there was a major forest fire just outside of Manitou Springs. We could see the fire licking the top of a nearby hill before we were put under a mandatory evacuation order. Then, in 2013, the flooding began. After big forest fires like the Waldo Canyon fire, there is a huge amount of runoff and debris that comes off the burn scar that can cause flash flooding and mud floes.
The condition of the house in Manitou was enough to scare me away from buying it, but the fire and subsequent flooding was a whole pack of nails in an entire cemetery of coffins. We moved as soon as we could.
Last winter, I started looking for a house to buy because in our area, rentals are becoming unaffordable. I had a limited budget and realistic expectations, but even with my low expectations, my options were surprisingly bad. We looked at home after home with bad electric, plumbing, or major foundation issues. We looked at more than one house built on a lot which should never have been improved; houses literally cracking in half. As in, split down the middle, the drywall ripped in two or the bricks cracked in half. Our realtor even said there was a time limit of how long we could be inside one house for safety reasons. We saw another house in which there was a wall covered with black mold; there was so much mold we couldn't tell what color the wall was. We saw a house that was more like three different houses all built into one. It had been for sale for a year and a half without so much as a lowball offer. Bad wiring, bad plumbing ... I began to worry I wouldn't have a place to live (renting was out for me). We finally found a place, but we made them replace the 6 breaker boxes with just one and disconnect the free-standing garage because it was wired so badly. We ignored several issues, but wish the owner had disclosed that the manhole in our driveway that was only for our house; it keeps the city sewage from backing up into our basement. My ceiling upstairs consists entirely of asbestos tiles, but they've been painted over several times so unless there's a collapse, we'll be okay.
This last weekend, though, we discovered that the foundation of the back part of the addition is in no way sealed against flooding. No French drain but more importantly, no tar sealant on the foundation wall. So my basement is flooded and is beginning to smell. And do you think the previous owner thought to tell me about this issue? Of course not!
And my house was built in the 1940s. What about the houses built in the Victorian era? How many of those poor old houses were built as single-family houses then converted into apartments? And not professionally converted, either. Nope, just the homeowner, over-confident in their ability to put up a wall and install electricity and plumbing.

Gentrification Secretly Began Many Decades Ago

Family homes of years past were meant to house several generations, and often did. Experts lament the poor losing their old homes, but fail to recognize one of the biggest factors for this loss: Most old houses would require a small ransom not even to restore them to their old glory, but just to make them livable again. Experts overlook the cost of lead paint abatement or mold removal. They overlook repairs that would cost as much as a year's salary for many young families. We have allowed the slow destruction of our communities for too long.
There was a time when building a house meant holding on to a tiny piece of eternity; there was great pride in building something that would last for many generations to come. Unfortunately, we have lost those values. We can no longer afford to put developers before our environment and our citizens, especially if they are building houses that will only last for a couple of generations.
Our country's infrastructure is badly in need of an overhaul. We have been cheap for too long. That doesn't just mean our public roadways and bridges, but our houses as well. People must be able to afford the houses they live in; they must be able to afford to buy a place in which to live in the first place. We must choose to reinvest in our infrastructure to ensure our nation's prosperity for future generations.

How To Guarantee I Will Never Date You: Your Kids

Trust me: Your kids being obnoxious isn't the problem.
I am brand-new to dating. I say "brand-new" because I was married for a long time and for years, I read the online laments of single people in this new era of dating and thanked my lucky stars I didn't have to be out there looking for a lover.
Alas, the Universe had other plans for me! Last fall, I had to kick out my husband because of a wicked drug addiction and dangerous mental illness; I've been officially divorced for about a month. I haven't even "put myself out there" (I'm not ready to date yet), but I'm getting plenty of daily offers that bother more than excite me.
In this series, I'll be sharing my apprehensions with returning to the dating pool. First installment? The way you're dealing with your kids is making it impossible for me to date you.

Your Kids

I don't care if your kids are badly behaved. I'm naturally empathetic and believe me: My kids test me, too. My kids can be rebellious and mouthy and annoying. No one knows this better than I do.
I will probably like your kids; I like most kids and I let my kids' friends come over all the time. If your kids act up, I will express my displeasure with them just like I do with my own kids. The only difference is that I know my kids better, so I can anticipate meltdowns and know how to stop problems before they go nuclear. Give me time to get to know your kids and everything will be swell.
But you will never date me if you - not your kids, but you - do any of the following:
  • Complain about your daughter's period. I'm assuming that you know where babies come from. And since you frequently disparage your ex, I'm assuming you made this little girl with a woman, not a turkey baster. So if you fought for sole custody of your 13-year-old daughter, don't complain about having to go to the store to buy maxi pads for her. How do you think she would feel, knowing you were talking about it with strangers outside her little brother's grade school? She'll have to live through it every month for the next few decades, so believe me, she has it worse off than you.
  • Make me be the bad guy. I understand that it's hard to say "No" to your kid. Maybe you don't like doing it because they'll have a meltdown; maybe it's because you can't handle that look of disappointment they get when you won't them play with that pack of rabid dogs. Either way, don't make me do it for you. If your kid is having trouble with his asthma and can't come to our house for a sleepover, then tell him that. I'll be the bad guy and tell them, "Sorry! We're busy with something else that night," if you ask me to. But know that you just lost any respect I had for you and any chance of ever dating me. I won't date a coward who will put all the burden of delivering bad news on my shoulders. I have enough to carry as it is.
  • Our kids being best friends doesn't mean we're dating. I was so thankful when my kids grew out of the toddler stage. It meant I could just drop my kids off at a birthday party or a friend's house for the afternoon and not have to sit and make awkward small talk with people I didn't really like. Sometimes it was nice to sit and talk with other moms, but just because our kids were best friends didn't mean we were going to be best friends. Are you making the leap here? If I didn't even want to have casual girlfriends because of my kids, why would I date you, just because our sons like to build forts in my backyard?
  • Tell me that your world revolves around your children. I get it. A grown-up woman hurt you. I get that you focused on your kids to numb the pain of a bad break-up. What I don't want to hear, though, is that your kids have taken the place of adult hobbies and interests. I don't care if your passion in life is sculpting mythical creatures out of jello, just be passionate about something besides the children you seem to be trying to live through. I have my own kids and all their friends, what I'm looking for is adult interaction.
  • You think the only way that I'll watch your kid for free is if you date me. I'm sorry that you're divorced. I'm sorry that you have a difficult work schedule that isn't good for your kids. I'm sorry that you're struggling with being a single parent. But I've been a stay-at-home mom for the past 14 years and believe me, I know when someone befriends me so I'll watch their kids for free. Guess what? When your kids come over, my kids quit bugging me about there being nothing to do, so it works out well for everyone. The minimal stress I feel when there are 5 extra kids in the house is so much better than the extraordinary stress of maintaining a boyfriend I don't like. So just FYI: I'm not going to marry you because my kids need a dad and certainly not because you need affordable childcare.
  • Don't acknowledge that your kid is "crying for help." Divorce stresses kids out. Maybe you're not spending enough time with them. Maybe they're having trouble in school. Kids act out when they're upset. They make up lies out of jealousy to hurt other children and break things out of frustration. I learned a long time ago that if I want to keep the nice things I have, they needed to be put away until my kids were older. I also learned that kids are pretty simple creatures and that if you make the effort to talk to them, they'll tell you what's wrong. It might be stupid to you and 99% of the rest of the world, but if it's important to them, you need to work through it with them. So if I'm telling you that your kid just cut the heads off 20 stuffed animals, don't say "that's kid stuff." If I tell you that your kid just threatened my kid with a knife over a toy, you don't get to pretend it didn't happen. If your kid is showing signs of troubled behavior and you seem like you're unable to cope, I will still be there for your kid. But if you had any desire to date me, your inability to be an adult and a advocate for your own child removed that option from the table.